The other day I was watching a television program I believe called Final twenty-four. It portrayed the final twenty-four hours in a famous persons life. The person despite all the fame and fortune had committed suicide.
The person simply couldn’t find peace in his life. He’d tried it all including drugs sex and alcohol.
He seemed to echo the words of the writer of Ecclesiastes who wrote,
I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”
Ecclesiastes 1:14.
As I’ve mentioned in other writings, I live with Bi-polar effective disorder. I volunteer as a speaker with the Canadian Mental Health Association here where I live. Telling various groups what it is like to live with a mental illness.
Let me tell you my story,
As I said I have Bipolar Affective disorder,
Bipolar disorder is characterized by alternating manic episodes in which the individual feels abnormally euphoric, optimistic, and energetic and depressive periods in which the individual feels sad, hopeless, guilty, and sometimes suicidal. Manic or depressive periods may last for days, weeks, or months and run the spectrum from mild to severe. These episodes may be separated by periods of emotional stability in which the individual functions normally.
For me my journey started as I headed home from work. I’d been working long hours and travelling over a hundred kilometres one way to work. When suddenly without waring a fear of dread welled up inside of me, tears filled my eyes and I was forced to pull over to the side of the road.
When I gained enough of my equilibrium to go down to the next rest stop where I pulled into a far corner of the parking lot and cried for half an hour.
My doctor told me I was stressed out and to take time off work. Which I did going back just before Christmas.
Things went well then one night on my way to work in a snow storm, my car spun out, no one was hurt thanks to a snow bank, but my moods went out of control.
On that occasion my fathers house being nearest I’d pulled in and called in to work sick.
On that day my world shattered. Life would never be the same.
I went back to see my doctor the next day and it was then he suggested I see my first psychiatrist.
At the time I had my preconceived idea of psychiatrist was a witch doctor who pushed pills.
Still I trusted my family doctor and began fighting the dragon in my head.
My first psychiatrist was a strong believer in trying to change things by changing lifestyle and eating habits. But after a while he diagnosed me with Bipolar affective disorder and placed me on a low dose of Lithium the gold standard at the time.
Unfortunately he passed away as a result of cancer before I was stabilized and my care went briefly back to my family doctor. Who eventually got me in with my second Psychiatrist.
He agreed with the Bipolar diagnosis and started me on a trial and error treatment trying various combination of drugs. (There is no definitive test at this time for Bipolar, no single drug treatment that works for every one. Thus the need to try various combinations)
Some worked briefly others had side effects I couldn’t handle.
I at one point began to believe the words of William, Wordsworth who said
“We poets in our youth begin in gladness: but therefore come in the end to despondency and madness”
My second Psychiatrist got me reasonably stabilised then retired my treatment going back to my family doctor then to my current psychiatrist. An excellent doctor well versed in her pharmacology.
Someone who had worked with to help me through some very hard times.
That’s the key finding a good Psychologist that works with you and understands you.
Bipolar is like being in a storm a massive storm that billows all around you.
You try to out run it but you never seem to be able too.
Another way to describe it is imagine you’re in a snow globe, simultaneously you’re holding the snow globe and inside it.
You’re shaking it in causing the storm rage all around you.
Intellectually you know you’re shaking it causing the storm but you’re powerless to stop it. So you continue with that storm pounding to the very roots of your inner psyche.
Another way of putting it is imagine your in a high powered sports car, you’re flying down the road with the wind whipping your hair. The adrenaline rush is fantastic.
Then all of a sudden you stop and jump into a pool of mud up to your neck and just wallow there is despair until you think you can’t take it any more.
Then without warning the cycle repeats.
For me and I think, even for the professionals there are a lot of things that are not understood. Goblins if you will in your mind.
Then in my case there’s the anxiety. Anxiety is faceless automatons that wander through your mind causing irrational fear. Trying to control your life.
But there is hope. For me, almost without me realizing it I put together a team consisting of my psychiatrist, my family doctor, my pastor and church family and equally important my wife and family.
All of whom are there for me when I need them.
There is also my faith. My faith means a lot to me and I am convinced that it has saved me on many occasion from doing something stupid, because suicide at times has lurked in the back of my mind.
The words of Jesus have proved a reality in my life when he said,
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30.
Today I am on a magnificent journey. I still have some very bad days, day, I can’t
fully function. But I take things one day sometimes one moment at a time.
To the Christian who is reading this I have a caution.
Sadly within some church circles I have had people tell me that mental illness is a sign of weakness and that I should just pull myself up by my boot straps and get on with life.
I have even had people say mental illness is demon possession and that I needed someone to pray for me.
Mental illness is no more demon possession than diabetes, a broken arm or any other physical injury. Nor is it a sign of weakness.
If you have symptoms similar to what I’ve described above see a doctor. As good as prayer may be sometimes you need professional help.
After all God put doctors in place for a reason so why not seek their help.
The key for me is not just the successful cocktail of medications I’m on, which is absolutely necessary. But it’s also my faith.
Through all the highs and lows I’ve gone through with this illness I firmly believe God has been there for me giving me reassurance and hope in what at times has been a very darkened world.
As I say if you recognize the symptoms above in your life, talk to a health care professional. It never hurts.
Please remember Mental Illness is very real. Don’t try to go it alone.
Bi-polar disorder is a two headed dragon. The key is not to try and fight it there is no cure. The key is to medicate it correctly, and learn to live with it. Something a good Psychiatrist can help you with.
For me it is a case most days of taking things one step at a time.
Reinhold Niebuhr once wrote,
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time...
That for me says is all, accepting what I cannot change, changing what I can, living one day sometimes one moment at a time and enjoying the good things that are in my life.In Canada all provincial health care systems cover Psychiatrist.
In Canada you can also go speak to the Canadian Mental Health association who can steer you in the right direction if you have any doubts.
Please remember Mental Illness is very real don’t try to go it alone.
There is help. There is hope.
